My journey starts now.

I’m angry in fact I’m just furious with everybody at the moment people telling me to do this or that whilst others just try to put me down. This post certainly isn’t a pity post because tonight after being sick for the past four days and losing a shed load of weight enough is enough. I NEED to start my journey to recovery not just ‘pussy-foot’ around it. Cut the BS to put it bluntly and do it, I said I’d join Toastmasters to conquer my fear of public speaking and I never did. I feel fired up and ready the desire is there and if I embarrass myself on the way then so be it because nothings going to change by avoiding situations. I’ve said to myself I want to change so many times but its just words no actions, I don’t know where to start but I need something. Toastmasters is three times a month and I’m pretty sure I missed the first one and I’ll be away for the second one so thats another excuse. I have to attend I have to and I will. As soon as I recover I will put 100% into this journey and make a strong effort to enhance my career and fight for what I want. I’ll stop letting people take advantage of my mental state and show compassion and love to those who both need and deserve it. But first I need to climb an enormous mountain I can’t back down or I risk being stagnant and unhappy for the rest of my life. I’m scared and I have been for ages but I want to fight back.

I will be posting daily updates on what I am doing for self-improvement and I hope you can support me on this much needed journey. Goodnight.

What is actually wrong with me?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Im sitting here feeling so frustrated with myself. I want to get better but how can I do that if I’m unsure of what is actually wrong with me.

OK so for those of you who don’t know I suffer with some sort of speaking anxiety in certain situations. Here is a list of the things I feel unable to do:

  • public speeches
  • reading out loud
  • playing certain games such as cards against humanities
  • speaking in seminars

I’m aware of the anxiety condition that is glossophobia which is a fear of public speaking and although I feel it applies to me, there is something missing. By definition it is the fear of public speaking, however, I can’t even play cards against humanities with friends in a more relaxed environment.

For those reasons, I’ve accepted the possibility that I might be suffering from an acute form of selective mutism. Yes, I can speak in most social situations in informal settings, but I can’t read out loud regardless of the environment and I do feel anxious speaking to people who I haven’t seen in a long time. I even experience anxiety around friends.

I’m just very frustrated with my condition. I haven’t been able to define it as such, it seems to be a unique case and with graduation approaching the prospect of working in a formal environment is daunting to say the least.

All the best.

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