So yesterday I was supposed to deliver a speech to small group of people on my dissertation. I’ve been worrying about it all week and the thought of it made me feel sick with nerves. As expected, I didn’t sleep very well the night before and woke up several times during the night… frustrating. The following morning, I stayed in bed till 11 AM and skipped my lectures to concentrate on the speech. I knew deep down that I wouldn’t be able to do it but I tried to talk myself into it.
I used motivational videos on YouTube to inspire me and for a brief moment I really did believe I could do it. A very brief moment indeed. I managed to force some food down me and despite the pit in my stomach I left the house and made a slow walk to campus. At this point, I’d pretty much accepted that I would panic and it’s these negative beliefs that fuel the anxiety.
I stepped into the building before turning around and heading out as soon as someone else walked in. I went back in and attempted to enter the room and sit down… I just couldn’t. I froze at the sight of the people in the room and inevitably I left.
I was overwhelmed with disappointment and the rest of the day was pretty much written off. I’ve realised that my mind is infected with negative thoughts which only damage my self-esteem—it is my job to challenge these and I’ve given myself the target to be more optimistic in the hope that I can turn things around.
Although I failed, I’m hopeful that one day I will be able to go through with such a task as I refuse to give up.